Marriage

When we can’t fix it

What do you do when you can’t do anything? My husband and I are facing a VERY difficult point in our lives right now. Unfortunately, I can’t help him. It is something he has to deal with and work out and although I can be there for him, encourage him, and love him through it all. I can’t fix it. If you are anything like me “fixing” is your middle name. You see a problem you want to fix especially when it is a loved one. Especially when it is your husband. My heart breaks every time I see him struggling to cope, struggling to find answers and purpose in everything, struggling to not feel like a failure as a husband and a man. And although I repeatedly tell him he is not a failure, he is wonderful and smart and my dream come true, he just can’t see it. When you really love someone you already have a tendency to always feel like you could never be enough for them. Add with the rest of the world telling him that he is a failure and he screwed up his whole life because he made a mistake. Add parents that look at him differently because of it, add people that think they are better than him and put him down. Add him being temporally unable to be the primary provider and that falling on his wife and you have a very depressed man who is doing everything he can to be happy but can’t get out of this endless pit of feeling like a failure. It breaks my heart that I can’t relieve this burden from him. So what do we as wives do when we can’t fix it. When we look at our husbands and see the pain and struggle but can’t do anything about it? Every couple is different so not all of these may work and no none of these are some magic spell that we can use as wives to “fix” whatever the situations if overnight, but at the very least it might help him a little.

 

1. Pray- Pray for your husband every single day. Pray for healing, knowledge, help, and forgiveness. For tranquility and patience, and if you don’t know what he needs pray that God would look into his heart and help him in whatever way he needs.

2. Do his favorite thing- My husband loves all things cars (corvettes to be specific) and gadgets and gears. The easiest way for me to spend time with him is to go outside and sit in the shade while he works on the cars or boat or whatever project he is working on at the time. Unfortunately for me I have minor medical condition that doesn’t allow me to be in the heat for long periods of time so I don’t often get to do this. However, I have worked around it by being out there for brief periods of time going inside to cool down and then either coming back outside or making him a really yummy snack.

  1. Couple’s Bible Study- Pick a book in the Bible and go through it together. Do a whole chapter or even just a few verses a day. Just getting in the Word with him and talking about it is always a good way to connect and to help him stay positive about circumstances.
  2. TV/Book time- Okay some of you may hate me for saying this because a lot of people are trying to vear away from electronics and tv when spending time with each other and that is a perfectly fine thing to do. However, my family has always been big movie watchers. It always brought the family together when we all gather in the living room and watched old tv shows and movies. I happened to marry someone whose primary love language is quality time and this falls perfectly in line with snuggling up with a snack and watching our favorite shows together. If you aren’t big tv watchers though you can trade out this idea for book time. I love reading and I love reading a book with my husband we both get so excited about what will happen next and it takes us into a different world away from all the stress of daily life.
  3. Go on an adventure- we are BIG road trippers. We love late night drives, and sitting out by the lake soaking in all the beauty God created. Whenever I can tell that my husband is really struggling I often suggest we go somewhere. Whether it is a weekend trip or a few hour drive somewhere and back it gets him in a new environment and for him driving is his therapy so it just works.
  4. Let him be- this one is the hardest for me because I WANT him right up next to me when I am upset. For him though…he needs space sometimes. He needs time to think and process. I have learned that letting him be doesn’t necessarily mean completely leaving him alone. A lot of times it means sitting on the couch (non cuddly version) next to him. letting him do his thing, or just doing my own thing while waiting for him to be ready for attention. Leaving them alone is hard for us wives because how can we “make it better” if we aren’t psychoanalyzing him every to seconds. Trust me if you can learn his queue of when he needs to just be left alone, you will prevent a lot of silly little fights over nothing. If we need our “me time” so do they.
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