Since Valentines Day fell on a Tuesday (my normal posting day) You get a two for one this week! If you were waiting for week 2 of Finding Normal don’t worry you didn’t miss it. It went LIVE Monday. Here is a link in case you didn’t see it
Now on with V-Day so…
Happy Valentines Day Everyone!
But what if it isn’t so happy? what if valentine’s day is terrible. Maybe your marriage just isn’t doing to well and valentine’s day isn’t all that special. The real question is what is the argument about. Is there a genuine issue or are we just being petty and not letting a aggravating issue go. Now of course I can’t speak to everyone’s circumstance, and it isn’t always fair that sometimes we have to be the ones to swallow our pride and be the bigger person. However, marriage is not about who said what. Marriage is about the actions, love and grace we are willing to extend to our spouse. Marriage is a symbol of Christ. The way God loves us. Christ loves the church. As a part of that, we have to be willing to extend grace, love and forgiveness to an “undeserving” spouse sometimes. Now I am not saying we should just never mention a problem we see and blindly forgive our spouse when we feel they are doing something wrong. Communication in marriage is vital and when we see a big problem we need to talk to our spouse about it. But what I am saying is that sometimes it is better to just forgive and move past the little disruptions. You have to be willing to not make a big deal out of every little issue, nitpicking all the problems,pointing out how he could love you better, or that it isn’t fair that it always seems like you’re the only one working towards a better marriage. You see marriage isn’t a 50/50. It’s 100/100 and the key to a successful marriage is to focus on giving your 100% and if you feel he is falling short…pray. We didn’t get married so we could “fix” them. We got married because we love them. Let God work in their hearts. If you are feeling unloved or underappreciated, talk to him about that. But don’t withhold your love towards him because of it. It can be something as simple as him playing video games when you feel like he should be spending time with you. Talk to him, let him know it bothers you and that you feel like you have to compete for his attention with a virtual world. But after that move on. Don’t try to force him to agree with you or see that “your right.” If he doesn’t respond and you feel it is a big issue pray about it and move on. Basically, don’t sit and stew and make yourself more upset. All that does is give the devil a foothold on your marriage. Instead of listing the ways that he is wrong…find a way to serve him. To show him that you love him despite it and that you aren’t going to be that wife that, has to be right. Or have the, “until he does what I want him to do then I am going to be a brat” attitude. The idea is to demonstrate love and respect no matter what. Often by taking the high road and continuing to serve in a loving way, your spouse will find that missing connection between the two of you that he needs to work on and sometimes we find that missing connection that we need to work on. I know this can be hard sometimes. Especially if he really hurt your feelings. But this is where we learn to love like Christ. So if you are wanting to grow your marriage despite the opposition here are a few ideas that may help.
Pray for him
This one is fairly obvious but pretty much the most important one. Pray for him. Pray for God to work in his heart and his life. Lift him up to the Lord. You will be amazed at God’s work.
Pray for YOU
Yes YOU! ask God if there is anything YOU need to change. We often like to pass off fault on others. Thinking that someone else should change to suite our fancy. It can be difficult to look in the mirror and realize that WE are the ones that have the bad attitude. That WE are the ones that need to change. Self-evaluation is utterly important to any successful relationship but especially marriage.
Sometimes we just need to love him. Even if he is being a butt. So swallow that pride or the need to “be right.” and find a way to show him you love him. Give him a kiss, grab a book and sit beside him while he does whatever it is he is doing. Just being there can make a huge difference. I have found that most people love in their love language. For instance peoples whose primary love language is physical touch or gifts will often give little “thinking about you” gifts and want to hold hands. Those who are more acts of service and quality time will generally always be looking to do something for you or others. They want to be around you just spending time together even if you do absolutely nothing. His love language is how he shows love because that is what says love to him. Just like your love language is how you love because it is what says love to you. So PAY ATTENTION! You need to learn to love him in his love language not necessarily yours.
This couples with the other one but serve him. Ask him what you can do for him. Make his favorite meal. Put on his favorite show. Do something for him that lets him know you are there for him.
Let Him Be
Sometimes they just need to be left alone. When I am upset I want someone to snuggle with me. Comfort me and hold me. My husband is the POLAR opposite. When my husband is upset or stressed he just wants to be left alone. He doesn’t want to be cuddled, he doesn’t want to be touched, he just wants to be left alone. Sometimes a man just needs to be alone with his thoughts. Respect that. Give him space.
Now I know most Valentines posts are about happiness and sweet things. But the reality is not everyone has that loving environment on valentine’s day. That is why I wanted to post something a little less conventional. Marriages have conflicts! and OFTEN on the “day of love.” If you are fighting with your husband, or maybe it was just a small disagreement that turned into a full on battle then use this valentines day to fix it. Take advantage of the “day of love” and go show some to him. Even if you know you were right. Do you really want to spend Valentine’s Day or any other day wasting precious time just because you don’t want to be the first to apologize?
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